Julie Carr from Real Life : An Installation - Shame

I am my own blindness. I practice a sort of "suffered-subjectivity." I am a ticket collector, one whose body is fixed by the eyes of others. There is the problem of protecting myself again the look that throws me back to the inadequacy of my foundation. I was a sister and I sat in an armchair, all around me a large family. Desire revealed to me my "being sexed" and his "being sexed"—but what is desire but the longing to overcome? This I am not so sure about. But I am the one who desires, and desire is a way of being myself. I am my own blindness and I am my own desire. I am also my own disgust, which I cherish and protect as much as I cherish and protect my desire.

All the audience members got to their feet at once. The movie was over. They no longer had to watch the retributive fantasy. I returned to my car and idled underground for nearly an hour. I am my own blindness and I am my own pleasure. Just as the scientist's object is external to him but defined entirely through his own senses, after the movie, my various sisters pressed against my torso. We can't abolish shame but we can change its form.


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